I want to be like Abraham

It is easiest when I get assigned to the same hall at work several days in a row.  You become familiar with what's going on with each of the patients.  Really it just helps you better care for everyone... you know things to be watching out for, you.  Because I am newer though, I don't have the luxury of always being assigned to the same hall.  Instead I just take the hall that's left, depending on who else is working.  So I'm always jumping around.  However recently, I was on the same hall for a whole week straight because the lady who normally takes that hall had been filling in the office as a manager.  And it was sooo nice.  Especially since that particular hall was probably the easiest hall to be assigned.

The other day the lady that normally will work that hall was back on the floor for a day.  But the scheduler still put me on the same hall that I had been on.  Considering that I had been working with that group of patients for the last four days and would be working with them again... it made sense not to switch me to another hall for just one day.  

But even though this was the case, I knew that the lady would not want to work a different hall.  Even though she had been to assigned to a different hall and she knew that I had been working her hall for a while and that she was just filling in for a day.  

Sure enough after I showed up, she asked me what hall I wanted to take.  This, of course, means that she did not work the hall she was assigned.  And being the people pleasing, and non-assertive person that I can be... I said... Oh whatever.  I'm fine with working either hall.  Even though, inside, I really wanted to work the hall that I had been on.  So she went ahead and took the hall that she wanted and gave me the one that had substantially more patients and generally speaking was much more complicated and taxing.  

However, as the day went on I was surprised by how smooth it was going.  I was working with one of my favorite cna's... a very hardworking and kind girl.  I felt like the Lord was blessing the fruit of my labor.  I was working my butt off... but I didn't fell overwhelmed.  On the other hand, the hall that I had been on was getting a little crazy.  The other nurse was exhausted and overwhelmed.  Even though that hall was considered the "easy" hall at that point... things just weren't going smooth.

The Lord brought to my mind the story of Abraham and Lot.  When looking at the land before them, Abraham let lot choose what land he would take first.  And Lot took the land that seemed to be the best deal.  It was green and fertile and the most promising for a blessed life.  And Abraham took the other dry land. 

And it made me realize that I want to be Abraham.  I don't want to live a self-serving life.  I don't want to do things just because they look like they will be most beneficial for me. I want to choose to not take the better things for myself.  I want to choose to give the better things for others, knowing that the Lord is with me and will take care of me.

Even though I didn't take the better for myself in this circumstance... I don't like how I didn't take it.  I let the other lady choose just because I don't like conflict and like to please people.  I didn't let the other lady choose because I wanted her to take the better thing for herself.  Because deep down instead, I did indeed want the hall that she took.  I want to let others choose first of out of character not out of my sinful tendency to want people to like me.

The Lord blessed me.  Because even though I didn't have the right mindset at first, the Lord taught me to have to have the right mindset.  And was still with me and blessed my work.  Thank you Lord for your mercies. 

So random thought...

I sometimes get frustrated with myself... or at least bewildered with myself... when I do things in this strange mindless state that I mentioned in my previous post.  There have been all sorts of entertaining stories about what Teresa did when she wasn't really aware of what she was doing.  Really, I have done some strange things.  I have gotten myself in a lot of trouble... losing things, putting things in really weird places.

So sometimes I ask God... why do I have this problem???  Why am I so strange??

But then it occurred to me after writing the last post that God has actually used this "problem" to really bless me.  Yes I have some funny and frustrating stories as a result of it, but I also have a lot of stories of God speaking to me as a result of it.  He causes me to go open up my bible randomly and start reading a reading a random passage, open up my journal randomly, do something on my phone randomly, go somewhere randomly, ect, that end in the Lord blessing me with pertinent truth and encouragement.

So that's it.  A little revelation.  Thank you God for blessing me, loving me, and using me... with my weird quirks and all.

Believe

The Lord has been reminding me today how we can trust in His promises.  Actually, not just that we can, but that we must.  He calls us to believe in Him.  This means more to acknowledge His existence, but to believe that He is who He says He is: the creator, the ALL-powerful one, the One for whom and through whom all things were made.  And to believe what He says is true.  To believe Him when He makes promises.

It is a scary thing sometimes to believe God when He makes a promise to you.  At least for me it sometimes is... when I am being foolish.  It's almost like I don't want to get my hopes up.  I always love looking back at what God has done and praising for it... but its almost like I don't want to be joyful in what God has said He is going to do until He actually does it.  Like I don't really believe the promise until I see it actually come to pass.  How foolish is that??! That's equivalent to being a Jew and not believing any of the prophesies until they came to pass.  Not wanting to believe that there really would be a Messiah... until it actually happened.  That's not believing God.

I was thinking about the story in Numbers when Moses sent out spies including Joshua and Caleb into the hill country.  The Lord had already promised this land to the Isrealites.  He told Moses that He would give the land.  However, the spies came back and everyone but Joshua and Caleb were frightened by the strength of the people in the land.  They said there was no way they could take over the land.  They thought that it was impossible for what God had promised them to actually come to pass.  They didn't believe God.  This angered God.  He said to Moses, "How long will this people spurn me?  And how long will they not believe in Me, despite all the signs which I have performed in their mist?"  It was because of this that the Isrealites had to wander another 40 years in the desert before the Lord would bring them into the land He promised them.  

They did not believe in God.  They did not believe God's promises.

The Lord wants us to believe in Him.  And to truly believe that when He says something to us through His word or to us in prayer... It's true.  And to actually live like its true.  And to have Joy like its true.  And to have peace like its true.  

I randomly opened up my journal and started reading a portion from several years ago without really thinking about what I was doing.  In this entry I was praying to God for a certain thing to come to pass.  I really felt that what I was praying for was according to God's will and I was really trying to have faith that the Lord would answer my prayer.  I was telling God that He promises to answer prayer.  And I was asking him to fulfill that promise.  I could tell throughout the journal entry that while I telling God what He promises us, I was really trying to bring myself to a place of faith and complete trust that God would answer what I was asking for.  And God did answer that prayer.  Just like He promised he would.

Right after reading that I was mindlessly flipping through my phone, getting on my bible app, and scrolling through verses of the days without engaging my mind.  It is hard to explain... but I do stuff in this mindless state a lot.  Its where I really am not aware of what I am doing.  It was the same state that I was in when I took my journal and opened up and started reading an entry.  My mind became engaged when I actually started reading the entry... but I was completely unaware how I got to that point.  So anyways... when I was flipping through my phone, my mind suddenly became engaged again and there was an old verse of the day pulled up.  It was 1 John 5:14-15.  "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him."  Sounds like the same thing that God was just teaching me through the journal entry, eh?

So one of my lessons from the day.  God's promises are true.  They stand.  Believe God.  He says when we ask according to His Will... we can know that we have what we have asked for.  Scary to believe... maybe.  But true... yes.  So lets believe.  Tis a foolish thing... a very foolish thing... not to trust in the Living God.

Last night I had a dream of worship to our wonderful Lord.  It was a beautiful thing to wake up after spending the night in adoration of Jesus.  It seemed so sweet and real... I was really meditating on the Lord's goodness.  And the singing was so gorgeous.

Today as I worked, that worship really stuck with me.  I talked to one of my patients who seemed particularly upset that no one cared anything about her, but only her money.  And furthermore that she really didn't even have money anymore since she was old and couldn't work.  But she had her bible sitting next to her.  She told me she has had that exact bible since she was in seventh grade.  And now she is in her eighty's.
I put my arm on her shoulder and told her her that the Lord was with her.  And that the Lord would always be with and that he has blessed her.  Not with money, but with his presence.  And that is the sweetest thing of all.  As I was saying those things I almost started crying.  The realness of what I was saying to her hit me.  The Lord cares so much for the ones who are not honored here on earth.  The old, the widows, the poor, the orphans.

She thanked me and seemed to really agree to the truth of what I was saying.

I hope that as I work each day that I can help the patients understand the reality of the Lord's care for them and of his presence.  I can give momentary love and care, but as I do that, I want their eyes to be directed to one that can give them constant love, care, and comfort.  May the Lord be with me and bless me, that more would turn to him.  

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

Therefore, we will not fear,

though the earth should change

and though the mountains slip

into the heart of the sea;

Though its water roar and foam,

Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

The holy dwelling places of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her,

she will not be moved;

God will help her when morning dawns.

The nations made an uproar,

The kingdoms tottered;

He raised His voice, the earth melted.

The Lord of Hosts is with us;

The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of our Lord,

Who has brought desolations in the earth.

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;

He burns the chariots with fire.

"Cease striving and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord of hosts is with us;

The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the 

valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, 

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in

the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and loving-kindness

will follow me all of the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever

The Lord guides me, the Lord prepares the way for me, provides for me, restores my 

soul, comforts me, fills me with His Spirit, speaks to me, and welcomes me into His presence to dwell with him forever.  He is Good!  And HE ALONE is Good!  My cup truly does overflow.  Words to not express the love and thankfulness the I have for him.  Really.  Let us bow down before our father and king.  Let us worship His Holy Name.

I do not want to live one minute apart from him.  Father, forgive me for all the times that I have spoken or acted apart from you.  When I have ignored your presence.  When my own agenda has been on the forefront of my mind instead of you.  Let your presence be evident in every breath that I take.

My thoughts of the day...

My father is with me always.  As I write this He is right beside me.  This is not just a theoretical statement.  This is real.  And isn't that just so beautiful?!  My Jesus is closer to me than anyone.  Today, I was in the nursery during church.  And as I held and tried to comfort distressed infants, I prayed that God might reveal to them that truth.  That this infants would sense the presence of their creator and rest in the arms of Jesus.  One boy in particular that I was trying to calm had cystic fibrosis.  At times, he would become really upset and seemingly inconsolable   As I held him and rocked him I spoke to him the truths that Jesus was with him and that he would always be.  Some might tell me that babies are too young to understand.  And they may be right.  But I know in my heart that Jesus created each of these precious little children.  That eternity is written in their hearts.  And that Jesus is the true father of each of them.  Why wouldn't you reassure them of their father's presence and speak into their ears His name?  The boy with cystic fibrosis finally calmed down and fell asleep in my arms.  I prayed that God would protect this boy and preserve him.  That he might grow up walking with his father; that he might be used for great things in the Kingdom.  And if it would bring Glory to father, to heal him.  At the end of the service, I brought the boy out to His mom.  She had this shocked look on her face when she saw him asleep in my arms.  Apparently he doesn't fall asleep easily and never falls asleep when people are around... she has never been able to rock him to sleep.  I'm confident that Jesus was comforting him :)

Following Jesus is really a freeing act.  Everything in your life, no longer has a hold on you.  Why doesn't it.... because it no longer has any impact on the decisions that we make.  We no longer are being torn between a billion different people or things telling us what to do.  We no longer have to worry about pleasing people.  We answer to one and to one alone.  And His name is Jesus.  The one that is always with us.

Often I find myself in a struggle, trying to figure out what to do...  I will go back and forth thinking, "Well this person expects me to be here, and that person would really be disappointed if I didn't go there, and what would would people think if I did this instead of this or if I didn't go to that... and so on."  What bondage is this?!  Thanks be to the Lord Jesus Christ, who has set us free from all these things.  Each morning I can speak with Jesus, all throughout the day I can consult him and ask him where he wants me to go.  What He wants me to be doing with the time that he has given me.  If he is calling me to do something... That is what I can wholeheartedly do in peace, joy and satisfaction.  Will people be disappointed, maybe... but I no longer live to serve men.  I serve Christ.

I no longer have to spend time debating what to do like I used to... I can just listen to Jesus and follow him.  If I set my mind and heart on listening only to Jesus... I won't get conflicting advice.  How freeing!

People on my heart today to pray for... Rich, Fadela, Kelsey, Eli, Jill, and Sara.  Father, may each of them come to know Jesus in a sweet way today.  May the truth that you have instilled in me today be instilled in them as well.  May they all know Jesus.  My Lord, Savior, Friend, Creator. My Jesus.